We love clouds!

My Baby coming home today!!! Yippieee!!!

2010-06-02T11:26:00.001+08:00

Can't wait to cu sayang!!
Can finally spend rocking good time with you on your red looking comfy daybed.. nyummy!

source: imgfav

I am in love

2010-05-05T07:02:00.000+08:00

Yes, I know how it feels being in love. My heart longing to be any how as close as possible to him. I carry the smell of him in my handbag, i sleep with his t-shirt beside me, i hug the teddy bear he gave me and i look at his pictures repetitively everyday. He is my kind of drug. I could lie in bed all night doing nothing but think about him. The smell of his skin, his arms around me..anything to get me back to that moment. The last time I met him. I don't ever want to be apart from him ever again.. God please make my heart strong. Sometimes I need him so badly in my arms I cried till i fall asleep. Only in my sleep it rests for a while.. I love him and I'm not afraid anymore. I am not running away anymore. I love you sayang.. I'll see you soon baby.. be safe..

Images from here.

He's my hero!

2010-05-02T18:29:00.000+08:00

Despite whatever that I've written in here, I am a hopeless romantic. I am attached to my personal belongings, my car keys and the guitar keychain, my handphones, my little purse that he bought me, my sandals, and most of all my soul mate. I go everywhere with most of 'em. Sadly, he who owns my heart is thousands of miles away in a majestic foreign land. I get so nervous when he's not around to hold my hands tight. He keeps me safe i always feel that. Call me crazy, but I have been avoiding going out on my own since I sent him at the airport the other day..The other half of me went away with him for a while. I miss laughing at the jokes he made.. I miss him so bad, I'm actually crying while writing this.

Baby, I miss you...

Wedding in Banting 070310

2010-03-10T15:01:00.000+08:00

Happy Anniversary Baby...Mwahs!

2010-03-09T12:02:00.001+08:00

Pic of Dita Von Teese via Photobucket

Chinese: Zhou nian kuai le
Croatian: Sretna Godisnjica
Danish: Tillykke med bryllupsdagen
Dutch: Gelukkig Jaarfeest
French: Bon Anniversaire
German: Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Hochzeitstag
Hungarian: Boldog Házassági Evfordulót kivánok
Italian: Buon Anniversario
Japanese: Kekkonkinen bi omedeto
Korean: Ginyumilul chuka hamida
Greek: Chronia Polla
Norwegian: Gratulerer med dagen
Persian: Salgar detán mubarak
Polish: Wszystkiego Majilepszego
Portuguese: Feliz Aniversario
Spanish: Feliz Aniversario
Swedish: Har denäran pa bröllopsdagen

Thanks to Romancestuck

Leave all of us out of your debt hole!

2010-03-04T16:44:00.001+08:00

I hate what my dad is doing to me right now.

I do not have money for your cards and games! I can barely pay my monthly loans. Five thousand?! Are you crazy!!

Even if I have the money- I will never!

I don't know if I can say this but I DON'T WANT TO HELP YOU!

Leave me alone!

Leave me alone you dark shadow!

2010-03-01T16:48:00.003+08:00

God, why didn’t you let me through? Its pain enough that everywhere I turn this dark shadow seems to follow me around. Now you let it take over me?

I can’t complain anymore... but... Why do I have to be a different person every time? I don’t understand why I wear different shoes for a character. Have you seen the real me lately? Did she like frozen strawberries? Was her wrist all bruised like mine? I need my sleeves.

Why abah? Why did you have to let yourself drown in things like that? Would you even care if I ran away? Is all that paper and cards you care about?

I feel so trapped, even so selfish at times and so out of focus most of the time.

What about me? Is that a taboo to ask?

Why is it so hard for my brother to stop yelling and nagging at my younger sis and get a job once and for all? He’s got an example to set.

I can’t take the pain from what’s around. I’m in control only of my body. Find a cure for my life. Muse? The price of my soul is on the blade in my hands? Oh my god.

I hate how my wrist looks right now. But now what I hate more is the pain I’ve been keeping all this while. What’s worse I felt all that condensed anger, hatred and numbness together with the sharp pains on my wrist. Shit.

All the years observing from a fat 9 year old girl, knowing secrets, learning how to remain calm and pretend to not know anything really eats my soul up till now and I’m 25! I used to try finding happiness in other outlets like boys, movies, romance, being taken advantage of. Because I know they needed me.

Now things have changed. I left my art world because I’ve lost my worth. I don’t fool around anymore. I let go some of my friends and finally I've found the person I want to marry. Thank god for that.

But still I feel nothing. My soul is almost empty. Why abah, why? And now you want money from me?

Happy Birthday Abah - 10.02.10

2010-02-10T10:49:00.000+08:00

My words are weapons

2010-02-10T10:45:00.000+08:00

Hello you,

Life is nothing but silly small office politics here where I work. Sometimes I think this divorcees and andartus are just so predictable. One thing I do not like about is someone else getting credit for what she did not do. Yes you, bitch "kita berpijak di bumi yang nyata". You don't kacau me I don't kacau you.

Love,
The underpaid worker who recently got a raise.

OMG! She is gorgeous!

2010-01-24T16:03:00.000+08:00

She looks stunning! I totally adore her despite the things people say about her. Lovely!

Pic from here at the 16th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Cool ehhh..

2010-01-24T15:56:00.000+08:00

Major alert changes this year. I'm gonna be living on my own because dad's retiring and my family is gonna move somewhere far. I honestly do not know what's gonna come out of that one. I really want him to change for good. Be a person who won't hurt our family anymore.

Aannywayy, the Putrajaya case has finally ended! Hooray!!! It was a good end despite some major difficulties in communication with the people who works there. Blah! They paid and well now I can finally clean my table off this case.

I haven't been doing anything much but watch today. I know I gotta lot of work to cover. The mood will come soon I guess.

I need this!

Subjective that feeling.. but i am drawn to him

2010-01-02T21:35:00.005+08:00

What ? Love is subjective? I thought that's just a cliche.

One moment he gives you that piercing stare, those beautiful eyes, and don't even get started on the smile. The next, you can argue about the tiniest thing and fight like there's no tomorrow.

I am scared. Where is that soy milk?

Go get your things.. and lets go - just us.

2009-12-17T11:59:00.006+08:00

I have done everything that I could. Yet these thoughts still think its funny to follow me around like a shadow.

So, we're going to langkawi on the eve of Christmas and its a last minute plan. The whole 9 of us, my uncle and his very (and I do mean very!) naughty kids!. I shouldn't be so selfish right? I mean their mom just passed away (the one i talked about in the previous entry) so I need to show some compassion. Mom said this trip is suppose to save us from dad's silly doings.

Fuck its not getting anywhere. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and besides, old habbits die hard, right?.Ok so he's old, but its no tricks that we're teaching him. Just some lessons his mother should have taught him before she abandoned him and let him get abused by then, her current lover who got hit by a lorry and died in that accident (padan muka i say).

So now we the micro of his family is the target. I know he loves us all. But he doesn't realize that we are all dying inside. Rapidly. Especially me who knows too much secret than I can hardly bear.

Ok so now this trip right, a last minute thing like I mentioned earlier. No reservations, one MPV, 3 days 2 nights! A total nightmare. I have only 2 days left of my annual leave for boyfie which I have been saving for his holiday period this December. They had to take that one day away from me and expect me not to feel any anger for that? What is this? Deprived of my own rights?

The truth is I am numb. I don't feel anything about what's going on with mum and dad. I've been facing this since school, passed the depression state, back on track and now on the numb phase and so what's next?

Can't I just take that leave and spend it with my hun? Is that too much to ask? I can imagine his feelings! I am so guilty. I promised him more days before and now I'm stuck with only one day. GOd help me! On one hand I don't want dad to take all the money for himself instead of spending half of it with us on the trip and on the other I so badly want to spend time with boyfie. Haiz..

exchange.

2009-12-16T18:23:00.002+08:00

I hate my life. Anyone wanna exchange?

What should I do?

2009-12-08T16:44:00.003+08:00

I choose to be calm.

Yes, I don't know what to do and yes, I realize that I OVER react.

The truth is I hate being in this position. I do not wish to have any form of communication with my grandmother. It all feels so fake to me. The story is very long. I will find the time to reveal it all- I promise. I don't hate anyone for no reason. The same rules apply.

"You will be treated fairly as how you treat me"

I'm with anger. I'm with guilt. What to do? What to do?

Main focus, MY FAMILY.

But first, my hunny's birthday!

Sunshine at last!

2009-12-04T10:00:00.003+08:00

I am very thankful things are starting to get better now. Alhamdulillah.. Thank you God for giving me this chance. I will definitely cherish it.

P/s: Planning some birthday plans ^_^

Love,
Ms Chaya

Please hang on..it'll be better I promise.

2009-12-02T15:26:00.007+08:00

Are you trying to test me again dear God?

My heart is getting weaker. Please, why are you doing this? Making me the bad person.

That lunch was a last minute plan and its my collegue's last day. I thought he was still upset with me, so I sent a very simple text message instead. I didn't expect honey to call me that moment today. Damn that place has no mobile phone coverage. Is it my fault?

He called me several times and couldn't get through. He was worried (of course!). I realized in this fragile situation his mind would be thinking I'm doing this to him again (I don't blame him) when in actual fact, I was a victim in this effing situation. I couldn't say anything because I know whatever I say will sound like an excuse. I couldn't even try to explain because I honestly don't know how to. My heart stopped and crushed there and then to the floor.

I told myself "damn you, you did it again!". Why?! Honey rarely calls during lunch, he usually goes to lunch with his friends I totally understand that. I usually only text him and ask about his lunch.

I don't know how to apologize anymore. My pride is gone and God is testing my patience.

Please just hear me out :

He is the most valuable person in my life despite my family. I am very blessed because I met a very handsome, smart, funny, sensitive, responsible, generous and very loving guy who loves me very much. All I want is to make him happy. But what have I been doing to him lately? I regret my past mistakes but this, its not fair! I didn't do this. What do I do now... my heart is not strong.. my face can't hold this fake smile any longer. Help help help... I love you hunny..

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Step 1 : Know thy feelings

2009-12-02T11:20:00.012+08:00

"Your life is a physical manifestation of the
thoughts you draw in your
head"

I must be aware that positive thoughts are 100 times more powerful than one negative thought.

First, identify basic FEELINGS & EMOTIONS :

The GOOD:

1. Excitement
2. Gratitude
3. Joy
4. Love
5. Passion
6. Satisfaction
7. Joyful expectation
8. Hope
9. Happiness

The Bad :

1. Depression
2. Guilt
3. Anger
4. Revenge
5. Hate
6. Resentment
7. Fear
8. Worry
9. Blame / Criticism

"FOCUS ON THE GOOD ONES!!! READ IT, REPEAT AND VISUALIZE DEAR
SELF"

To me - Self reflection

2009-12-02T10:53:00.007+08:00

I am at this moment, in the office listening to the first song he dedicated to me. I love this song ever since.

You Found Me- The Fray.

I have been keeping many issues to myself for so, and I mean so long. I’m losing control of my life. This has to stop. If ever there was a large barrel in my room to keep all this secrets I held inside, contents of the barrel would have flooded the room and drowned me. I don’t know where to start but I know now is the time.

Focus. He told me. I hear him saying that in my head since last night.

So first, I list out the issues bothering me at the moment, then work from then on.

1. Keep making my honey happy

2. Find out how to help myself!

3. How to be there for mom when dad keeps coming back home at 4am everyday

4. What to do to make my family back together

5. My sister told me last night “Memang betul apa mak cakap, you memang suka sakitkan hati orang”. What is wrong with me? She’s damn right

6. How to ignore the fact that my grandmother does not like me and still talk to her

It's 530

2009-12-01T17:28:00.002+08:00

I'm getting nervous and scared by the second.

God, Please help me.

I'm such a jerk!

2009-12-01T14:57:00.005+08:00

I let my insecurities took over me. I say things I don't ever mean. Not even in my lifetime. It was suppose to be just a ficticious entry to let the negative feelings out my system. Unfortunately it did me more bad than good. The way I wrote it hurts the person I love the most. I am forever regretful.

Its all my fault.

He couldn't study at all last night and he's got an exam today. I think he's having it right now.. It starts at 3pm. I sent him text messages. Wished him good luck and doa for his calmness and excellence. But I'm scared. I feel responsible. I really really hope he won't flunk the way he said he will.

I am really sorry. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be the person I was yesterday. Damn I scared. I feel numb.

Lovely rainy sunday...

2009-11-29T23:22:00.002+08:00

Anything works really, as long as you put your mind to it. I've been self motivated enough to pick myself up each day and smile.

At one point in time when I was in school (perhaps donkey years ago!), I was very very ugly, no sense of style and most of all I was the depressed kid. I wasn't happy and I thought I never will be. I hated everything. I was going so far to the point of running away from home and killing myself. I'm serious-that bad..Then I swallowed it all and become a new person. I don't remember how I changed and I don't want to remember. But I'm glad I did.

I'm so glad the weekend turned out to be great. I love you my honey and thanks for making me smile, happy and many more.. *hugs*

Cheers to new beginnings and more happy moments to come. =)

EERrrrkk! OBESE

2009-11-21T19:30:00.002+08:00

Oh my god I am OBESE.

My current BMI is 31.3. How did it get this far?! Damn. I realized on my birthday that some of my clothes are showing fugly bulges here and there. I needed a change damn fast that I got a haircut to see something of me change or else I'll be depressed. Terrifying!

I got a haircut on Thursday and my sister who just came back for the school holidays told me I've so totally gained weight. So there. That was my turning point. I've got to do something about it instead of worrying about things at work. I mean taking care of myself should be my main priority. I am 24 years old but according to my health resutls, my internal reflects of a person aged 49! Yes Chaya, its already happening.

So what do I do? I need to get things right. First of, track what I'm eating and get a gym membership. In the mean time, since my financial is not that strong I have to option for yoga and pilates at home. I need to at least start something.

Get closer to God. I've been so out of it for so long. I'm not a religious person in terms of praying 5 times a day, but I try to do the best I can. InsyaAllah.

Hope and pray for me to be strong ya!

My current stats:

H : 167cm
CW: 85 kgs
GW:65 kgs (-20 kgs!)

I won't be doing this drastically - I am ambitious but I know my limits. So lets take it gradually like 5kgs in the next month. I'll record everything that I eat and my activities. Will also post up some random thinspo occasionally.

Healthy I will be,
Ms Chaya.

Preminition dreams

2009-11-19T15:46:00.003+08:00

"Preminition is a forewarning of something that is going to happen before it does without having any concrete evidence to support it"

I am terrified *blank look*. I usually have a good sleep. The kind of deep sleep where you wake up with a glowing skin, you couldn't hear anything in your sleep - even the bombastic lady gaga ringtone on the loudest tone. Last week I had a dream. A very weird dream. I don't usually get dreams, and when I do it will eventually happen very much than soon. Lately after that one very dramatic dream that relates to how my aunt passed away, I keep getting more of these dreams.

Sleep. I sleep early to shut my brain. I remember those days where I used to think too much and the only way to make is stop was to shut my whole system and rest. I don't have those thoughts anymore and I guess its the resting phase. I am not sure if its really more of a good than bad.

Image courtesy of JamesLao.com

Inspired - Period.

2009-10-13T16:25:00.005+08:00

I think its time I started to write again. I don't have to wait for a new laptop or a new study table (which I've just bought *laughs!). Ok so 50% I've got it. Maybe staying here is fun. I'm writing short stories. Gathering ideas. This is a good time. I can feel it.

With Love,
Ms Chaya

Hello sanity! *waves franticly!

2009-09-28T15:18:00.002+08:00

Depressed? You can’t be depressed, you’re not rich enough.

My favourite tune at any mood of the day would be Breathe by Telepopmusik. No matter how many times I listen to it, it’s like a first time. No memories – just good music sets my mind at pause.

I am always a different character each day. Sometimes a character of a movie reminds me of a me in the past (that I like or maybe not).
Yeah.. i like dat...

Confession mata berair

2009-09-11T17:23:00.004+08:00

Aku baca between the lines.

Otak aku lembab. Aku banyak berfikir. tapi otak aku masih lembap. aku cepat lupa. arrgh!

kepala aku dah penat. aku jawab lambat. maaf. aku salah interpret. maaf. aku lupa lagi.

roh aku dah tua agaknya. mungkin sel otak aku dah reput. dah tiba masa aku agaknya. maaf aku tak reti buat keputusan. aku sangat direct orangnya. kalau itu yang aku pilih. itulah keputusanku.

aku tak sepantas itu. aku cuba. aku cuba jadi orang yang lebih baik dari sekarang. aku mahu bahagiakan setiap saatnya. tak sekali pun aku mengeluh.

dia kata aku tak cuba memahaminya. hati aku berkecai. apa yang aku lakukan selama ini? tolong jangan guna reverse psiko pada aku.

masih belum cukup sabarku agaknya.

Ya Tuhan, taburkanlah baja-baja kesabaran dalam hatiku. aku pohon padaMu.

aku sayang dia.

tak terhingga.

Killing me in slow pain..deep

2009-09-03T09:24:00.006+08:00

I'd love to switch places with the girl in the picture right now. Away from the buzzing phone in the office. Clients enquiring about the cashflow analysis and dont even talk about the report which has been overdue since March! *sigh! That's my only concern this week. I'm getting both the reports over and done with by this Friday and then only I can start planning to help mum with the Raya cookies. I am in CRUNCH MODE.

I wish I can lepak with my hunny tonite and have the osamness watermelon juice in Hartamas one after another...Addictive that one..By that one I mean me hunny of course! ..*laughs!

Until next time!

With Love,
Ms Chaya

Pssst!

2009-09-02T12:47:00.000+08:00

I'm starting anew. I think this one will portray a more personal side of me..

Ingin terbang ke awan,
Ms Chaya